It's so hard today

It's been one week today, that our baby was taken from us. I can't stop crying or feeling depressed. I know in time the pain will lessen, but at this moment it doesn't seem like it.

I was put on medication to finish cleaning out my body (so I can get pregnant again). I started taking it yesterday evening. Basically it puts me into labor. The contracts start, and continue for the 5 days im on the pills. During this time, anything that's left over from the pregnancy will be expelled from my body. If anything is left there and it goes without being noticed, it can cause an infection or infertility.

The pain im feeling is awful. My heart is breaking with each contraction. The more instense they get, the more I realize this is the end. Why did God choose my baby? Why???

I was sitting here a little while ago, crying my eyes out. I thought if I wrote a poem to my baby that it may help me heal. Maybe it's working but all it feels like to me is extreme emotional pain and suffering. Im going to post it here so I can come back and read it anytime I want. This is for you little one....

Goodnight Angel:
Why did this happen
Where could you be,
It was all to sudden
you were taken from me

I try to be stong
but inside im dying,
I just can't fight it
again I start crying

Was it something I did
or something I said,
I'll never kiss you
or tuck you into bed

From my womb you were taken
in my heart you will stay,
I promise you angel
we'll be together one day

When the time comes,
i'll hold you so tight,
i'll kiss your forehead
and tuck you in for the night

I'll do all the things
I was never able to do,
I'll show you how much
daddy and I love you

So please little one
try to be strong,
you have to know
God's never wrong

You have a purpose
God has a plan,
until I am with you
let him hold your hand

Follow the path
He needs you to take,
As much as it seems like it,
it's wasn't a mistake

You were chosen for a reason
I have to believe it,
as time goes on
im sure that you'll see it

This may be goodnight
but not yet goodbye,
Now spread your wings angel
It's your time to fly..

Goodnight sweet baby (3-21-06)

Mourning our loss and dealing with daily life

Im still hurting so much. Im crmaping off and on today but yesterday it hit me hard. DF and I had errands to run and while we were out I started gushing blood and cramping. It figures that would happen when I finally leave the house. What's wrose is, I was at the seamstress, trying ot get my daughters pageant dress taken out a size. Im standing there pouring blood and didnt want to say anything. I got out of there as fast as I could and had DF get me super absorbant pads.

Im bleeding so much today as well. The cramping is mild, but the bleeding isn't. I can't wait for this to be over with. It's physically and emotionally draining. I am doing my best to cope with our loss while also dealing with my daily life. My two previous kids need me. Im trying to be strong for them. They know what's going on and are sad, but seem to be dealing with it ok.

Yesterday while I was out, I got new makeup for my daughter to wear for her pageant. It took forever to find colors that I like for her. I didn't want anything to dark, but it couldnt be to light either. When we got home (after a long day) I applied some it to see how it looks. I took a few pics to see how it photographs as well. I didn't apply the eyelashes for the pics but I did try them on her. They look very natural but I need to cut the inside corner down just a tad.

Here's a pic I took of her last night.

It's over

The lab test today, confirmed our loss. Our sweet angel grew wings on March 21st 2006. He/She must have been very special to have been chosen by God himself. That's what I tell myself anyway. Hopefully i'll start to believe it soon.

I went to the doctor after I did the bloodwork and recieved my results. I handed them the paper confirming my loss. While speaking with the NP, she told me that I could start trying again this cycle if I wanted to. I guess that's a good thing, but she had also said things I didn't need to here. Like the fact that I miscarried on the table there the other day, when they left me in the room for all that time. She also made it known that the brownish stretchy blood I have is "pieces of the fetus". I didn't need that visual at all. That makes me hurt even worse.

Im fortunate enough to have a good friend who's on her way right now. She's making a 4 hour drive to be here with me. She's been through this twice and im sure will be able to help me on my journey as well.

My mind is a mess and im cramping a bit now. Im gonna go have a drink.

So here's where things stand right now

So I posted earlier today about the research I found, saying that blighted ovums have been known to be misdiagnosed. Turns out that sometimes, the docs are wrong and it's a perfectly healthy pregnancy.

I called the doctors office to ask some questions but they gave me the run around. I called the second they opened and asked for a nurse. I was told no nurses were there yet, but one of them would call me as SOON as they got there. Thirty minutes later I still had not received a call back, so I called them. The (same) receptionist told me that the nurse can't help me with anything and all my questions should be directed towards the doctor I saw yesterday....who isn't in today.

I was so pissed that I was waiting around for a call, just to find out they weren't going to call me at all. I then told the receptionist that I want my beta results from yesterday. She put me on hold for another 5 minutes just to tell me that she couldn't find them anywhere. She said "I'll all the lab right now and call you back". I made sure to tell her that everytime someone says they will call me back, they never do. She SWORE she would though.

Fast forward another 30 minutes. STILL NO CALL! I call there AGAIN and this time she says "well, I have the results right here.........but I cant give them to you". She claimed that she wasn't allowed to. That the doctor had to sign off on them and THEN she could give them to me, but again, he's out of the office for the day. So now im REALLY pissed off.

DF told me to call the hospital lab directly, where I got the bloodwork done. I called them and they said they couldn't give them to me over the phone, cause they couldn't prove I am who I say I am, BUT, I could go there in person and get them. So off I went.

When I got my results and saw 245.7, I did the math to calculate the doubling time from my last beta 7 days prior. Everything added up correctly, like a normal pregnancy would. Now, it's true that the only way to know for sure is to get it done 2 days apart (which I am doing) but still, everything looks good.

I did more research, but this time I was checking what the normal levels should be, and how past my numbers should double. Just like the myth that every woman has a 28 day cycle, they assume that all women double HCG in 48 hours..again, not true. 48-72 hours is the average doubling time. That being said, my numbers are doubling (so far) ever 60.7 hours. Right on track.

After a while, a nurse from this new doctors office FINALLY called me. She said im 100% right, that the doctor could have been wrong. There's no way to know for sure that it's a blighted ovum this early. ESPECIALLY since his judgment was based soley on one ultrasound. She said we'll know something more tomorrow with my new beta test results.

This got me thinking even more. Why would he tell me it was a blighted ovum, and prescribe me pills that induce miscarriage (in order to speed up the process) if he was not 100% sure?

I called my normal OB (who lives 3 hours away from me since I moved) and he said I have no reason to worry. My levels are normal, im to early to see much of anything on ultrasound (so its no wonder he didn't see anything in the sac) and in order to know if it's viable or not, my levels have to be atleast 2000. He said he feels that everything is fine going by the info I gave him, and NOT to get another ultrasound. He recommended that I keep up with the beta testing for peace of mind, but everything should be ok. Atleast at this point anyway. There's not yet a reason to worry.

I haven't passed any blood clots, im not cramping and im not bleeding. Im spotting a bit and yes it is red, but it's not much at all. I think it may be left over from yesterday. That's ok though. I bled for the first 4 months when I was pregnant with my DS. Im guessing that I probably ruptured or bruised my cervix and that's where the blood came from. That explains the light/medium flow when I was in the rest room at the doctors office. After that, they did an internal ultrasound, so if my cervix was what was bleeding, then that explains the increase in blood loss at that time. After that happened I didn't bleed like that. I went back to spotting.

So, here's where I stand now. Tomorrow morning I am going down to the lab at the hospital and getting another beta done. I'll grab something to eat and head back there about an hour and a half later to get the results myself (since the incompetent people at the doctors office are no help) and then i'll go from there.

I have faith that GOD is watching over this baby, and HE will make sure the baby is just fine. Until I know anything for sure though, I will continue to pray, hold on to hope, and wish for the best.

Is there hope or am I insane?

Im trying so hard to cope with what the doctor said. I've been doing research on blighted ovums and I have found so many useful resources. While searching online, I came across several websites that said blighted ovums have been known to be misdiagnosed. This of course made me sit straight up.

I didn't tell the doctor, but I took the ultrasound pics yesterday. I had to have something to hold to. I didn't really examine them until now, but what I found opened my eyes.

After reading the artivles of misdiagnosed miscarriages, I took out my ultrasound pics and gave them a look. It says that a lot of times, the doc calls it a blighted ovum because he/she can't see anything inside the yolk sac. There are many reason's for this and so a D&C and medication is to be postponed until you're 100% sure there's no hope. Well, im looking at my ultrasound pics and I DO see something. Im not sure what it is, but there's something inside the yolk sac.

Im due to get another beta tomorrow to see if my numbers are doubling. If so, im getting my ass back to the doctors office for another ultrasound. I have to know for sure that this is a miscarriage and not a case of misdiagnosis.

I know I probably sound like a lunatic, but I can't give up without a fight. This is my baby we're talking about. If there's even a single shred of hope, I have to hold on to it.

The doctors office opens in 1/2 hour. Im going to call them asap!

God giveth and God taketh away...

I've been spotting the past two days but didn't think a whole lot of it. I know it's common so even though I was worried, I chalked it up to the pregnancy. Today however was different. I was bleeding red blood, and cramping quite a bit. The cramping started yesterday, but I wasn't bleeding then, only spotting.

I called the doc and they had me get a beta done. They weren't even gonna check me but DF begged them. He told them how much pain I was in and that I was worried. I needed peace of mind.

They finally took me back. The nurse told me to pee in a cup and to undress from the waste down. When I went into the bathroom, and took off my pants, I knew this was the end. There was so much blood. I cried out on the inside as well as the outside. I showed DF my pants and tried telling me not to worry. The doctor would soon be in to help.

Twenty minutes later, the nurse and doctor came in. He did an internal ultrasound to see what was going on. A blighted ovum he called it. Those words keep echoing through my brain. He said "there's no baby. There's a placenta and sac, but no baby to be found". I kept thinking "THIS CANT BE REAL. IT'S A NIGHTMARE" but it wasn't. He was talking about me..about my baby.

I laid there on the table, bleeding profusely and cramping, while he comforted me and DF. He was so kind and compassionate. He wrote me a prescription for Methegine. This will speed up the miscarrying process so it doesn't drag along.

I want this to be a bad dream. I wanna wake up and hold DF, tell him about my horrible nightmare, and have him console me while telling me "it's over now". I want to feel my baby kick, and hiccup. I wanna see him/her laugh and cry, dance and stomp. Most of all, I wanna hold him/her.

RIP sweet angel of mine. Though i'll never hold you in my arms, you'll always be in my heart. I love you sweet baby.

First appointment scheduled!

I called the OB yesterday and made an appointment for my first prenatal visit. While speaking with the woman, she informed me that I am a week further along then I thought. Im actually 5 weeks and 3 days along as of today. They calculate your pregnancy from CD1.

My appointment is set for Monday, April 10th at 10am. I can't wait! It seems so far away though. Being that I am possibly high risk (do to cervical surgery a couple years ago), they are going to do a transvaginal ultrasound. This will help them determine if I will need my cervix stitched shut, or if i'm ok to carry the baby without assistance. I will also be able to see my little baby too! Though he/she will be to small to see characteristics, im still excited and looking forward to it.

I was also told that they will do another ultra sound when im 12 1/2 weeks and 22 weeks. I love ultrasounds. It's so exciting to see your baby on that monitor. It's such a wonderful feeling. Im not far enough along to hear the heartbeat, but I will be able to see the baby's heartbeating on the monitor during the ultrasound. Pretty cool huh?

DF is so excited. He keeps looking at me and smiling. He's so happy. He too can't wait until the ultrasound. He said that will make it seem more real to him. I cant blame him. I feel the same way. Seeing our baby will definitely make it seem real.

I can't believe im finally pregnant. This is awesome!!!

Well, I gotta run. Im STARVING! I need to get something to eat and wake up DF. We have errands to run.

IM PREGNANT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It's 100% and has been confirmed. My Beta came back at 36.8 for 13dpo. Im so excited. I couldn't believe it. Im 3 weeks and 6 days pregnant!

They called me at 1:22pm this afternoon. When she told me I was PG, I screamed in her ear and then started to cry. I was so happy! I couldn't WAIT to tell everyone. I told my parents, DF's parents and my friends (online and offline). It's been so hectic here that I forgot to post until now.

Im still shaky but it hasn't quite sunk in yet. I keep hearing her voice say "you're pregnant, congratulations", but still, it seems so surreal. This is so amazing. All these months of trying, seem like nothing now that I got a BFP.

I cant wait to go shopping for maternity clothes. I've been checking things out online and boy did it get expensive. It sucks that I have to wait 12-16 weeks (3-4 months) before I find out the sex, but that's ok. I'll try and be patient LOL

Gosh, I cant believe this. There's a baby inside my tummy!!!! Thank you God, for answering our prayers. Thank you to all of you who kept us in your thoughts. Thanks to those who were my shoulder to cry on all this time.

I hope you'll continue to read my blog, and follow along with my pregnancy and delivery.

Only 6 hours to go!

I went in this AM to get blood work done. I had them do a BETA HCG. This is the only way to know 100% if I am PG. The doctor I saw was really nice and completely supportive. She was so excited for me, that she put a rush on the results so I would get them today!

I told her I was anxious because the HPT's were so faint. She said not to worry. That if I got more then one BFP then there's no reason for this to come back with anything but positive news.

She wrote me a prescription for prenatal pills, which I filled. I took my first dose today. I can't believe this could be it! Im so afraid that I am getting my hopes up, but the doc seems to think that I am PG too!

Oh gosh... how am I going to get through the day? What the hell am I gonna do for 6 hours to stay busy?

It's POSITIVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2 positive HPT'S today!

I wasn't gonna test, but I was is so much pain from my tooth, that I called to schedule an emergency extraction. It wasn't until a friend pointed out that my chart looked promising. THAT is when I got worried.

I had already dismissed this month as yet ANOTHER bust. So, I ran into th bathroom and tested. Sure enough in 5-6 minutes, it came up positive. I was still skeptical. This HAD to be a fluke!!!

From that point on I held my pee. I went and got the tooth pulled (which took 3 hours longer then it should have) and then came home to test. BFP!!!!!!!

I can't believe my eyes!! Im still in shock and don't quite believe it! Im retesting again in the morning to make sure 100%.

Oh wow, I don't believe it!!!!!!! Here's a pic of the test I did an hour ago.

Long entry..

Yesterday was my daughters 6th birthday. She had a Princess party and it turned out great. About 20 girls showed up. The decorations looked nice (even though I didn't get a lot of pics of them), the cake I made turned out nice, and she got a LOT of really cool presents. The highlight for her though, was when a handful of the girls came back to the house to play. She REALLY enjoyed that. Here are some pics from the party.






My temps aren't doing so well. For quite a while, they were staying flat and I didn't know what to think. The night before last, I was restless and up every couple hours, so I wasn't able to get an accurate temp. Last night however, was a normal nights sleep, so I know today's temp is right. Sadly, it was a drop and AF is due the day after tomorrow. This can only mean one thing... ANOTHER month of let down. I act like im ok with it, or make jokes about it around people, but it's really killing me that I haven't conceived yet. As of Tuesday, i'll be starting my 10th month of TTC.

This time around is going to be a bit different. It's time for DF to get a SA. Testing needs to be done to figure out what the problem is. Something is obviously stopping this from happening, and we need to know what it is so can fix it.

I guess that's it for now. I gotta get the kids dress and pack lunches. We're gonna have a picnic by the waterfront with some of my daughter's friends.

Temp change .......FINALLY!

After 5 days of having the same exact temp, there's finally been some change. My temp went up .2 this morning so I am no longer stuck at 97.7 (im at 97.9 now). Seeing as this is not something I have ever experienced, maybe it's a good sign that our BFP is only a short distance away!

And now we wait...

Yep, it's that time again! The dreaded 2ww. The longest 2 weeks EVER! I believe I O'd yesterday so I am 1dpo. Hopefully SMEP worked and we'll get our BFP this time around. If that's not the case, and AF arrives, DF will be getting a SA asap. I can't take another cycle of disappointment.