YAY!

Today's appointment went well. I got to hear nutter butters heartbeat for once. Everytime we would try she (or he) would move away but today we got a clear shot of it. The heartbeat is between 140-150 bpm. So everything is good. My cervix is even good. It's getting longer and i'm still closed so that's great.

This morning when I was getting ready to go to the doctor, I had a really bad dizzy spell. Apparently I have a little hypoglycemia (sp) going on. I couldn't stand without getting sweaty, dizzy, and feeling like i was gonna fall over. Even when I droce to MIL's house I felt HORRIBLE. I had to stop and grab something to eat. Once I ate I started to feel better. It took about 10 minutes after eating to lighten up but I was good to go from that point on. A few hours later I started feeling light headed again but I came home and got something else to eat. So for now i'm good.

I lost a couple more pounds though. They don't seem worried but she did say "wow, you didn't put on ANY wait from thanksgiving" lol. Trust me, I ate..boy did I eat lol. As long as the baby is healthy and then it doesn't matter.

I took another belly pic today. I'm 14w5d today and really showing...YAY!
Enjoy!

Late update

Ok, so I should have posted this a couple days ago, but i've been pretty tired since Thanksgiving. I really overdid it on the food. It's quite a chock to me really. I haven't been eating a whole lot lately, but I did on Thursday. I kept picking at the food all day and night. I know, im a piggy lol.

DF's mom did a GREAT job on the turkey (as usual). It was delicious. Honestly, everything was great. Well, obviously it was great or I wouldn't have kept eating it all day LOL.

Anywho... Im 14w2d pregnant and boy is it flying by. Pretty soon I will be finding out the sex of the baby. Less then 4 weeks actually. WOOHOO! I hope we're able to see the baby's gender at that time. If not, I will have to wait another 2 weeks longer until my big ultrasound. I wanna know ASAP **giggles**

So yesterday I wore myself out my decorating the house for Christmas. Instead of making me happy like it normally does, it actually depressed me. It made me realize that Christmas is right around the corner and I have no money whatsoever, to get the kids anything. To top things off, what little bit of Christmas decor I have, is falling apart. I know, it's stupid right? I just can't help but be sad about it. I mean, I don't want my kids waking up on CHristmas morning with nothing under the tree. We've told them several times that we cannot afford anything, but they're still expecting stuff from Santa. I don't know what to do. I'm praying for a miracle.

Well, that's about it I suppose. Guess I will post more when there's something to post about.

Today was my due date...

I used to dread this day. I just KNEW I would be a mess. I was wrong though. I am dealing with this quite well, and i'm greatful for the strength.

I'm not an overly religious person, but I do belive God has helped to ease my pain. Not only by helping me cope with my loss, but by blessing us once again. This baby inside me has givin me hope and made me realize that while I will forever miss my angel, I DO have the strength to keep going.

I would like to take a moment to honor my angel, with a poem that I wrote for her..


A poem of rememberance

It's been 8 long months of missing you
and I know that's just a start,
for I will miss you every day
from the bottom of my heart.

You and I were united
if only for a minute,
and while my life must continue,
im sad that you're not in it.

Today is a day of rememberance
and that's hard for me to say,
for you were due to make your arrival,
on this cold and windy day.

I know one day we'll be reunited
we'll laugh and smile together,
from that point on we'll be inseperable,
and stay that way forever.

I'll always be your mommy
no one can take that away,
and as a reminder of how much I love you,
I will honor you each day.

I love you baby nugget....

Post-op appointment (and new pic)

I went in today for a post-op visit. The cerclage is still in place and looking good. So that's a plus. We tried to hear the baby's heartbeat but she REALLY doesn't like dopplers. She ran away. Just to be safe they did ANOTHER u/s (yep, number 7 now) and OMG! This child is getting HUGE so damn fast. It's been 8 days since my last u/s but you'd think it's been a month already! WOW!

I was given a paper to schedule my big u/s. I went to the front desk to do so, but they don't have the schedule yet for january so it's gonna be a few weeks before I know the exact date. I think it will be January 4th though. Doesn't matter. They're gonna check for the gender that week before x-mas on a regular u/s machine.

I go back next week for another post-op check up. I will be going once a week for a while and then go every 2 weeks from here on out.

Anywho, here's my HUGE nutter butter as of today! We were trying to get a full profile shot but as soon as I said "i want a pic of the baby like that", she turned her head to look at me lol. So that's a side shot of her, but a front on face shot too lol

P.S. Sorry it's so faded looking. Either their brightness is set to high on the u/s machine or they're runing out of ink lol..

Surgery and new pic..

Surgery went well on Monday. Im still very sore but I guess that's to be expected. The anesthesia team decided to put me completely under instead of doing the spinal. The doc didn't really want me to go under but they insisted it was better for me. So that's what they did. Im glad too cause I didn't wanna be awake for that.

While I was under, the doc examined my cervix in depth and determined that I actually have 3cm, not 1.5 like I was originally told. So I basically put myself and my baby in danger for nothing. The only reason I did this surgery was because I was under the impression that i really had no choice. Yes, it was elective, but with only 1.5cm of cervix, what choice do you really have?

Im pretty pissed about it.

On monday, I was having contractions that came every 12-13 minutes apart. That has since stopped but it did worry me a bit. What worried me even more was tuesday, when I lost my mucus plug. Fortunately, fomr what I am told it regenerates itself so I don't have to worry about that.

I had an ultrasound then too. I got a GREAT photo on my little nutter butter. Boy oh boy how they grow! What a difference!!!

I'm not supposed to be out of bed but I wanted to update you all. Hopefully i'll be back to myself in no time..

Baby pool: Guess the gender, weight and height!

Anyone wishing to guess the gender, height, weight and date i'll give birth? If so, here's THE LINK. It will be fun to go back and see who was the closest with their guess's. RIght now there are only a few guesses.

On another note, I'm 12 weeks today!! WOOOOHOOOOO! That means I officially start my second trimester tomorrow! Im so happy! Im still scared about surgery on monday (only 4 days away), but I am dealing with it better then I was. I'll be sure to post updates on that as well.

Anywho, that's about it for now. Don't forgot to cast your vote in my baby pool :)

She made me cry

Last week after my pre-op appointment, the docs sent me down to preanesthesia with an envelope which included the bloodwork I needed and my medical history.

When I got down there (I was already way late to get hom and grab the kids from the bus) they said for me to have a seat, that it would be a while. I told them I couldn't wait. I have two younger children at home who are gonna be lost if i'm not at the bus to grab them. So they gave me my envelope back and said for me to come back before surgery when I have time.

Yesterday was the only day I could do it so I went up there. On the way I realized I left the envelope at the house and it's almost an hour drive to get there. UGHH. So I call the docs office and ask them to fax or send another copy to the first floor preanesthesia so I can get my admittance done. The nurse I spoke with said to tell them I lost the paperwork (cause that's what I told her since I cant get back out there again before my surgery on monday) and to have them page the doctor that wrote the papers (who by the way is a 3rd year resident).

So I get there and tell them what happened. They were VERY understanding and helpful. The problem is that when they paged the docs office a nurse told them that the doctor who wrote the paperwork up, cant and WONT do it today and for me to come back tomorrow at noon (which is now today). I got on the phone to speak with them and had to explain that I CANT do that but if they wanted I would go to them right then and get the paperwork. She said "Dr. Stone said she wont do that". I had to repeatidly tell her that this is a necessary surgery I am having to save my baby from miscarrying and I HAVE to get my preadmittance done. She finally says "then page the doctor". That's what we've been TRYING to do.. GRRR!!!

So that's what the admissions place does. Now the doc is on the phone and being a royal B*TCH to me. She fought me over and over again saying she cant give me the papers, the ones I had were the only ones, yadda yadda, and she doesn't have time to redo them now cause she has an emergency c-section (yeah right..she's a resident).

Anyway, I told her I understand it's an inconvenience and I didn't intentionally lose the papers. Can she PLEASE help me. She said "ya know, you put me in a bad situation. We spent all that time together last week (which is crap. She left me in the damn room just waiting for about an hour to only have a 10 minute appointment) and I feel like it was a waste of time.

This is where I started to get pissed and upset. I snapped at her (keep in mind we're still on the phone) and I said "ya know, it's not like I drove almost an hour to get here for the fun of it. It was an accident!".

Now at this point i'm ready to scream in the phone and say "f*** you! I'm going back to my doctor who actually cares and makes a point to make his patients feel good, unlike you who makes them feel worhtless!" but I didn't. Instead I started to cry infront of a waiting room full of people.

She really hurt my feelings. She made me feel worthless. Like i'm a screw up. Until I started crying she was ready to tell me to cancel the surgery (which of course means I wont maintain the pregnancy). Fortunately, in her attitude filled voice she said "just come up to labor and delivery and i'll see if I can get the papers to you."

I went and got them and everything was fine after that but she made me feel like sh*t. The people in preadmittance were shocked at how she treated me and they were all comforting me. I guess they felt bad that she brought me to tears.

Well, that was part of the day.

After that I went to pick up my Rx (prometrium refill) which I called in a refill for at 11am. It's now 6pm (and I had it scheduled for a 5:15pm pickup) and oops....they didn't do it. Had NO recollection of it. Guess what the waiting time was???? Yep...an HOUR!

I have my pills, i'm ready for surgery but now i'm nervous as hell. I'm afraid of this "resident" being in the room during surgery. Thank God I will be awake. I don't want her touching me.

Anyway, I just needed to share. Sorry for the long post.

10 days to go..

In 10 days (November 13th) I will undergo a cerclage placement. I'm very nervouc about this procedure. As if the though of having a spinal AND having my cervix stitched wasn't scary enough, there are also risks associated with this procedure. These include ruptured membranes, infection and spontanious miscarriage. Though the risks are small, they're still there and that scares me. We want this baby so much and the though of something possibly going wrong worry's me.

I really don't have much choice in the matter. I have to have this done. Without it, the chance of carrying full term is slim to none. My cervix is quit short (a regular cervix is about 4cm and mine is 1.5cm). I pray that everything goes well and my baby is safe.

The doctors tell me that if anything were to happen (even though it's not likely), it would happen within two weeks of surgery. Because of this, I am putting myself of bed rest. I won't be doing much of anything for atleast 2 weeks. Why risk it?

Im aware that many women have gone through this and everything turned out just fine, but on the other hand, there are others who went through this and things didn't go so well. The doctor doing my surgery is one of the best out there and I know he's skilled in this procedure. Still, it's hard not to worry. Even if it is a small chance that something could go wrong, it's still a chance.

If you're reading this, please pray for us. Pray that everything goes smoothly and the baby is just fine. The goal is for us to make it to atleast 35 weeks without delivering. After that, the baby is free to come out whenever he or she wants. Your prayers are needed and much appreciated.

I'm in my 11th week right now. I'll be in the middle of my 12th week when the surgery is performed. Depending on who you ask, that is the end of the first trimester and the beginning of the second. That's good news and means we've come pretty far. I know it's just a start but a great one don't you think?