Im still sane LOL

Usually in the 2ww im a dragonlady lol but im doing quite well. I guess it's because I already figure I don't have much of a shot for this month....since I O'd earlier then I was supposed to. Im not stressing over it this month. Im just gonna wait it out, and if AF doesn't show then i'll test (which is January 5th 2006). If it doesn't happen i'll be sad of course, but I want be as upset as I normally am.

My post O temps are a little weird this cycle. For the past 3 days they have stayed at 97.5. I've tried taking my temp a second time and it does come up different so I can only assume that it's accurate when taking my BBT.

Other then that there's nothing new going on. I have a really bad tooth ache so im gonna take some advil. I'll be back when I have more to share.

Happy Holidays!

It's been hectic around here. I've had so much to do. I think I went overboard with gifts for my kids this year. I couldn't help myself. I love seeing their expressions when they get what they asked for, but there's more to it. I have a tendency to shop when I am feeling down. All those BFN's really got to me. I so wanted to announce being PG to my family this xmas, but sadly it didn't happen.

Here's what's weird though... Im not due to for another 4 days, but I O'd today. A few days ago my CPFM went to high fertility, ten yesterday it hit peak (as well as today). That was a HUGE shock! I wasn't expecting it to happen so soon so I wasn't BD like I should have been. Day one of peak (which is the day before you O) DF and I BD 2 times. Once in the afternoon and once a little after midnight. Then again today (Christmas eve.....the day of O..hehehe). So far only once today but im hoping for one more time tonight then once again tomorrow.

I was so sad when AF arrived at the beginning of the month. That was my only shot of getting PG by xmas, but alas, I was given a second chance. I may not be able to announce a BFP on xmas, but maybe I can get PG on xmas instead. That would be the best gift EVER! NOTHING could top that!

I guess i'll be in the 2ww as of tomorrow... I pray we'll be blessed with the little miracle we've been yearning for...

Still hurting

Im still hurting very badly. I've been trying to keep myself busy all weekend. Thursday I spent the day with a friend of mine. I was there from 9am until 12 midnight. Then on friday, DF and I took the kids out, did more xmas shopping, and ate dinner with his family. While we were out, DF bought me the most BEAUTIFUL engagement ring. We've been engaged for years now, so it was quite a shock.

He didn't want to wait until I wasn't around since this was the only one. If he were to wait until I was home, and then sneak back up there, the ring may be gone. So, I got my xmas gift a week early. To make things even, I gave him everything I bought him too. I really love the ring. It's beautiful. It's a beautiful marquee cut 1/2 carat diamond, with baguettes and solitares on the sides (15 diamond total). I've always wanted a ring just like this. I couldn't be happier about it.

Yesterday we finish our shopping, then took the kids bowling. The had a good time. We ate pizza there, and then went to church to see a Christmas Carol (by Charles dickens). They did an amazing job and the set was so beautiful. The kids really god into it too.

Today is hard though. Im gonna be in my house all day long. DF is tired. We were out and about non stop for a few days now. This means ill be sitting her all day long, thinking about my poor snowflake. I miss her so much!

I still need to pick up more fertility test sticks. Im down to 5 or 6 and I won't O before those are used. So I need to get them really soon. They're so expensive though. $50 every other month (since my cycles are so long).

Well, that's it. I guess im gonna go start wrapping presents. That will take my mind off of everything for the time being...

Rainbow Bridge

My childhood dog went to rainbow bridge today. My mother had to put her down. She was in so much pain. I know it's the best thing for her, and im so happy that she's no longer hurting, but the pain in my heart will last forever.

I was just with her this past weekend. As bad off as she was, she still worked through the pain to kiss me and cuddle with me. I promised her I would be back to see her on new years eve weekend. She wasn't scheduled to be put down until after the new year. Sadly, she got worse since this weekend and it had to be done.

I spent the whole day today, crying my eyes out. I never knew you could run out of tears. Im officially all cried out. Im upset that I wasn't with her when she went (I live 3 hours away and wouldn't have made it in time), im upset that i'll never see her again, and im upset that I had to explain to my kids what happened to snowflake.

The seem to be doing ok and understand what's going on. My son was upset for a while but he's much better. I can't say the same about myself. I cried so hard and so long that I ended up passing out. I drained all my energy.

My sweet girl was completely blind in one eye and 90% blind in the other. She could only see shadows. She had arthritis, tumors, bad teeth, and a bad hip. She was in so much pain that she couldn't get up to go outside an potty. She would just go on herself and lay in it. Whenever she did try to move, she would cry non stop.

My mother was supposed to call me once she passed but she didn't. I ended up calling the vet to ask if she had passed on and how she did. They were very kind and understanding. Im not upset with my mother. I know she was trying to collect herself. She had to go back to work and you cant bring personal matters into the work place. It's not professional. I just wish we could have cried together. Every time I tried calling her she would rush to get off of the phone with me. I guess hearing my pain hurt her to much.

I hope this pain eases as the days go by. Right now it feels like it will never end. I know she's in heaven now, young again and running free. That's the only thing that's helping me to keep my sanity.

Snowflake... You were my only friend for so many years. We shared a lot together. I'll never forget how loyal and loving you were. I'll miss you sweet girl...Rest in peace!

Snowflake: 1992-2005

Doing better

Well, Im on a new cycle yet again. I was really heartbroken when I didn't get my BFP. I so wanted that for xmas.

Yesterday, DF and I met up with about 30 of his family members. It would have been PERFECT timing to announce a BFP. I was so sad sitting there but I tried not to let it show. All I kept thinking about is how everyone would be so happy for us.

I know I shouldn't stress over things that happened (or didn't happen) in the past, but that's easier said then done. Hopefully this cycle will be our turn to get PG. So far this cycle hasn't felt like its dragging along.

Im on CD8 and im still temping and using my CPFM. Last month with the monitor, it had me POAS from CD6 until 2dpo. I guess the thing knows my cycles now so I wont have to waste test sticks. Thats a plus, cause those things are expensive. It's a small price to pay though for being a mommy.

Speaking of that.. DF and I were out of town this weekend. We went to visit my parents, and then meet up with about 30 family members on his side. Well, on the way home, his parents took the kids (we live near his parents) and it was just the two of us driving home (3 hours drive). We had a cd on and as normal, we were singing as loud as we could lol. Well, this country song was on there. The one that goes "One more day, one more night, one more sunset maybe id be satisfied. But then again, I know what it would do.......leave me wishin still, for one more day with you". DF was singing it and when the chorus came on (that's the part I just typed out for you) he was like "One more day, one more TRY, one baby boy and I'd be...satisifed. But then again, I know what it would do. Leave me wishing still, for little HAYLEE too!" I didnt know weather to cry (from happiness) or laugh. DF is such a good man and he wants this just as badly as I do. I pray that God blesses us this cycle.

Well, I have to get to the post office. Thanks for listening...

Serious pain

I have the WORST cramps, EVER! Im not bleeding as bad as I normally do (thank god) but the pain is worse then normal.

I tried so hard to stay positive. I wanted this so much and wasn't letting anything ruin my parade....until AF showed. Now I feel so down and don't wanna do anything but lay on the couch. Pity party for one please!

I feel awful that it didn't happen, but I feel even worse because there other people who have tried even longer then I have. What gives ME the right to feel so badly? I have so many mixed emotions going on.

Due to the snow storm that hit us all day yesterday and all last night, there's still no school for the kids, or DF. Im gonna spend time with them today to try and get my mind off of this (not that it will work but im gonna try).

The kids are already outside playing in the snow, so I guess I better head out there with them.

Thanks for listening...

Im so sad

All this waiting and positive thinking seems to be for nothing. Im 13dpo and have been getting BFN's. I figured it was because it was to early to tell. I thought for sure this month was gonna be our month *cries*. Well, I just went potty and when I wiped, I had CM with a lot of pink mixed in. That means AF is probably right around the corner.

I prayed so hard that this would be our month. All I wanted for Christmas was a BFP. Im so upset right now. All I can think about is looking down at that toilet paper, and seeing my dream ripped away. I feel like my heart has been torn out of my chest.

I poured myself a nice tall glass of wine. I guess it's not that bad..atleast I can drink *rolls eyes*.